Posts Tagged hurts

Take No Bitterness into the New Year

Many people regard New Year’s Resolutions with the same disdain they attribute to the much maligned fruitcake. I am a proponent of both. For several years now I have made the same New Year’s resolution and I do my best to keep it. I will take no bitterness into the New Year. Whatever has happened during the past twelve months that tends to sour my disposition, cause me pain and create separation, I resolve to let go. Whatever offenses I have suffered will not be dragged into the New Year. As the years pile up, keeping my resolution doesn’t get any easier.

Forgiveness is not as easy as it might sound. Partly it requires developing a thicker skin and realizing that I take far too many things personally. I need to lighten up. This is one of the concepts my friend, Dr. Monty Knight, discusses in his book, Balanced Living; Don’t Let Your Strengths Become Your Weaknesses. Continuing with Monty’s philosophy, I don’t have to go to every fight to which I am invited. That is a major concept. Let it go. Tom Newboult, a minister of religious education, once told me that sin is giving more importance to the moment than it is worth. In other words, don’t dwell in the negative. I think Tom hit the nail on the head. What a great concept!

Turning a negative into a positive is another methodology for dealing with difficult situations. Since I administered a not-for-profit agency for most of my career, I am often attacked with, “Well, Mitch, you are just an idealist.” My reply is, “Thank you. I hope so.” The main thing about forgiveness for those of us who are Christian to remember is that we are able to forgive because we have been forgiven.

Susan Sparks in her book, Laugh Your Way to Grace, suggests that we rediscover the power of humor. She maintains that we take ourselves far too seriously. We need to repackage some of the comments that cause us pain.

Bitterness is a terrible task master. It will ruin your life and suck all the goodness you receive into a dark hole. I recommend a proactive approach. Go on an active campaign to make those around you glad that you are there. Build them up by helping them feel good about themselves. Say something nice. Compliment her or him in a real genuine way. Call the person by name. Offer a specific compliment about a real accomplishment. On the other hand when you receive a compliment acknowledge it graciously with a simple “thank you.” In my book, Christian Civility in an Uncivil World, I discuss the power of words, but I am by no means the first to come to that conclusion. The psalmist said, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto thee, oh God, my strength and my redeemer.”

Dr. Arthur Caliandro gets right to the heart of the matter with a three word solution. “Life is now.” That statement is stunning in its simplicity. Live in the present. Don’t drag past hurts into today. I was part of a vivid demonstration of this principle. We were planning one of the annual John Hamrick Lectures while Dr. John was still living. A potential speaker was being considered. I called the speaker to extend an invitation. He told me that because he and Dr. Hamrick had been involved on opposite sides of a controversy, he would only come if Dr. Hamrick approved. When I told Dr. Hamrick of my conversation he didn’t hesitate. “That was then. This is now.” Wow!

I make no claim that getting rid of bitterness is an easy task. You and I have experienced great hurts. Unfortunately we have also inflicted great hurts. I know that I am in the process of becoming and that God is not finished with me. Practicing my resolution of taking no bitterness into the New Year has helped me live a more productive, less stressful life. I believe you will experience the same happy results if you give it a try. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

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Forgive – Key 49

            It is impossible to move forward until we forgive ourselves as well as others. Unless we forgive our future is blocked. Refusal to forgive means we have condemned ourselves to a poorer more unhappy life. It means that the past is holding us captive. The hurt and bitterness will continue to grow and fester and will eventually consume us. It will zap all of the air out of the room and leave us exhausted. There is absolutely no payoff for holding on to hurt. Let it go.

            You probably will not be able to forget. Forgetting is different from forgiving. We need to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. We need to learn also from the way we handled or mishandled our responses to those transgressions. These are growth experiences if we are willing to accept ourselves and others for who and what we are. We are human beings who make mistakes, who sometimes get things wrong, who disappoint ourselves and others. We are also human beings who most often get things right, who are generous, loving and kind.

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Forgive – Key 49

            It is impossible to move forward until we forgive ourselves as well as others. Unless we forgive our future is blocked. Refusal to forgive means we have condemned ourselves to a poorer more unhappy life. It means that the past is holding us captive. The hurt and bitterness will continue to grow and fester and will eventually consume us. It will zap all of the air out of the room and leave us exhausted. There is absolutely no payoff for holding on to hurt. Let it go.

            You probably will not be able to forget. Forgetting is different from forgiving. We need to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. We need to learn also from the way we handled or mishandled our responses to those transgressions. These are growth experiences if we are willing to accept ourselves and others for who and what we are. We are human beings who make mistakes, who sometimes get things wrong, who disappoint ourselves and others. We are also human beings who most often get things right, who are generous, loving and kind.

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