Mitch Carnell

Effective Communication Made Simple

Archive for category Christian Civility

The Difference Between Being Polite vs. Civil – Marguerite House*

Jan 13

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

“Civility is an ancient virtue of civilized society. It is not simply about manners or moral judgments. Rather, it is about respectful engagement with a sense of fair play, which is especially important when differences are most strenuous.”

And so formed the basis of James Leach’s 50-state “civility tour” in 2010. At the time, Leach was chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities and was visiting several locations in Park County. I was curious about Leach’s emphasis on “Civility in a Fractured Society,” so I joined the audience at the end of the day to hear his lecture.

I admit that I couldn’t help thinking about Walt Disney’s famous bunny, Thumper, who said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all,” or my mom who basically said the same thing. Clearly, civility isn’t necessarily about being “nice,” as Leach pointed out. Indeed, humans can be incredibly polite while being horribly uncivil. What I think Thumper and Mom really meant was, “If you can’t say something positive”— or helpful or enlightening or beneficial — “just don’t say anything.”

Sadly, it doesn’t appear that much has changed in the last 12-plus years — or in the multitude of past generations for that matter. The question for us is, “Why all this agitation and angst?”

First, I believe that folks on all sides of an issue misjudge the conviction with which others hold certain positions. They may not realize how a concern reaches the depths of soul and belief of an individual — deep-seated tenets ingrained through upbringing, education and personal reflection. People’s religious beliefs, environmental concerns or other convictions could no sooner be given up than to change their ethnicity or race.

And then there’s personal experience.

“In an age characterized by change and its acceleration, by caffeinic mesmerism with Blackberries and texting, the collective of history is taking backstage to the fleeting novelty of individual experiences,” Leach told graduates at Miami Dade College in May 2010. “Yesterday can seem like yesteryear, a distant memory, an era before.”

Leach’s statement speaks to another aspect of the heated nature of so much of today’s discourse: One’s own experiences have an immense effect on his stand on a given subject. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; when individuals are privy to another’s experiences, they might just gain perspective.

For instance, factor in a mother’s grief at the loss of a child to a drunken driver, and her rage at free-flowing alcohol in our society is understandable. A senior citizen struggling with the rising cost of, well, everything is panic-stricken at the mere mention of a tax increase and launches a tirade at Congress. A father who lost his job lashes out at the “environmentally conscious watchdogs” that shut down the factory where he worked.

Issues take on a whole new viewpoint from someone else’s shoes: They’re personal. When another shares an experience, it gives me a new appreciation for the complexity of a particular outlook. Civility means searching for that perspective to better understand an issue.

Finally, I like what President John F. Kenney said on the matter: “So let us begin anew — remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof.”

*Marguerite House is a freelance writer and a columnist for the Cody, Wyoming Enterprise.

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Words Are Powerful – Toby Moore*

Jan 6

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

Words are powerful. I suspect we still don’t know the true power of words. At a basic level, we know our words can build someone up or tear them down; we all know that words have consequences.

While giving someone a kind word is always polite, bad-mouthing someone can have severe ramifications, even when said behind their back. Disrespectful comments can destroy relationships. In today’s world — this can happen even when you’re alone, where you think nobody can hear you.

It reminds me of the old saying we’ve all heard: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” It’s simple but relevant advice, especially in the digital age.

While most of us are aware of the effects of social media, sadly, we are just beginning to understand that we are being watched and listened to. Many of our devices are listening to us, and most of us tend not to care because what’s the worst that can happen? Will Alexa, Siri or Cortana rat me out to my friends if I say something terrible about them? Probably not.

There are cameras everywhere, too. They are in places you’d never expect them to be, sometimes hidden in our homes. While this is a clear violation of privacy, if someone were to hear the confidential words you spoke to yourself or your spouse, it could destroy everything.

I know of a family that faithfully comes together every year for Christmas. They cook, eat, exchange gifts and openly express their love for one another; they’ve done this for decades.

This year things were different. Half the family decided not to show up. When asked why, they said they didn’t have the time this year and tried to downplay their absence.

After much back and forth, somebody revealed the truth.

During Christmas 2021, amidst the annual holiday party, some family members spoke very negatively about other family members in the privacy of their bedrooms. At first, they denied ever saying anything wrong, but eventually, they discovered that it was pointless to lie about it; it was all recorded on camera.

One of the younger teenagers was given cameras as a gift and secretly placed them all over the house; everything was recorded. Both sides were devastated.

Although they loved each other, they still had many negative things to say. Every recorded word was analyzed and studied by the offended party. It’s too early to tell if they will find forgiveness.

Is it OK to speak negatively of others? Sure. Will it make you feel better to vent? Only temporarily.

Speaking our minds and venting our frustrations is only natural. We’ve all done it.

I know a girl who is a director at an advertising agency. She tells me she’s exhausted and tired of work. She can’t do it anymore. I asked her why and she said her primary co-worker is constantly complaining and speaking poorly of other co-workers; it’s sapped her of all her positive energy. Her enthusiasm is gone.

Have you ever felt drained and unhappy after complaining or listening to someone complain?

Many of us feel that it’s good to vent and that we must let it out. Sometimes that works. We express ourselves and never speak of it again. We are usually just fanning the flames and making it worse, increasing our anger and resentment.

Every thought, word and action produces a blend of chemical peptides in our brains. These peptides cause us to have feelings. When thinking and speaking negative things about yourself and others, chemical peptides are released into your body that make you feel bad. Simply listening to someone’s negativity can have the same effect.

Your words have great power. Develop the habit of speaking positively about yourself and others. Let this article remind you that if you can’t think of anything positive to say, maybe you shouldn’t say anything at all.

*Toby Moore is a columnist, star of the Emmy-nominated film “A Separate Peace,” and CEO of CubeStream Inc. He resides in Bourbonnais and can be reached through the Daily Journal at editors@daily-journal.com.

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Take No Bitterness into the New Year

Dec 31

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Authors, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

Many people regard New Year’s Resolutions with the same disdain they attribute to the much maligned fruitcake. I am a proponent of both. For several years now I have made the same New Year’s resolution and I do my best to keep it. I will take no bitterness into the New Year. Whatever has happened during the past twelve months that tends to sour my disposition, cause me pain and create separation, I resolve to let go. Whatever offenses I have suffered will not be dragged into the New Year. As the years pile up, keeping my resolution doesn’t get any easier.

Forgiveness is not as easy as it might sound. Partly it requires developing a thicker skin and realizing that I take far too many things personally. I need to lighten up. This is one of the concepts my friend, Dr. Monty Knight, discusses in his book, Balanced Living; Don’t Let Your Strengths Become Your Weaknesses. Continuing with Monty’s philosophy, I don’t have to go to every fight to which I am invited. That is a major concept. Let it go. Tom Newboult, a minister of religious education, once told me that sin is giving more importance to the moment than it is worth. In other words, don’t dwell in the negative. I think Tom hit the nail on the head. What a great concept!

Turning a negative into a positive is another methodology for dealing with difficult situations. Since I administered a not-for-profit agency for most of my career, I am often attacked with, “Well, Mitch, you are just an idealist.” My reply is, “Thank you. I hope so.” The main thing about forgiveness for those of us who are Christian to remember is that we are able to forgive because we have been forgiven.

Susan Sparks in her book, Laugh Your Way to Grace, suggests that we rediscover the power of humor. She maintains that we take ourselves far too seriously. We need to repackage some of the comments that cause us pain.

Bitterness is a terrible task master. It will ruin your life and suck all the goodness you receive into a dark hole. I recommend a proactive approach. Go on an active campaign to make those around you glad that you are there. Build them up by helping them feel good about themselves. Say something nice. Compliment her or him in a real genuine way. Call the person by name. Offer a specific compliment about a real accomplishment. On the other hand when you receive a compliment acknowledge it graciously with a simple “thank you.” In my book, Christian Civility in an Uncivil World, I discuss the power of words, but I am by no means the first to come to that conclusion. The psalmist said, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto thee, oh God, my strength and my redeemer.”

The late Dr. Arthur Caliandro gets right to the heart of the matter with a three word solution. “Life is now.” That statement is stunning in its simplicity. Live in the present. Don’t drag past hurts into today. I was part of a vivid demonstration of this principle. We were planning one of the annual John Hamrick Lectures while Dr. John was still living. A potential speaker was being considered. I called the speaker to extend an invitation. He told me that because he and Dr. Hamrick had been involved on opposite sides of a controversy, he would only come if Dr. Hamrick approved. When I told Dr. Hamrick of my conversation he didn’t hesitate. “That was then. This is now.” Wow!

I make no claim that getting rid of bitterness is an easy task. You and I have experienced great hurts. Unfortunately we have also inflicted great hurts. I know that I am in the process of becoming and that God is not finished with me. Practicing my resolution of taking no bitterness into the New Year has helped me live a more productive, less stressful life. I believe you will experience the same happy results if you give it a try. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

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Christmas on the Mill Village

Dec 23

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Authors, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

When mother and dad still worked at Abney Cotton Mill and we lived on Woodruff Street, Christmas was very special.

Every year my sister and I were in the Christmas pageant at Northside Baptist Church just a few doors away from our house. There was always a huge Christmas tree in the sanctuary. I was always a shepherd or wise man which required wearing my bathrobe.  One year while waiting to go to the church, I got too close to our heater and burned a hole in my shepherd’s bathrobe. It didn’t matter to anyone but my sister who was in charge of me. I knew that she wouldn’t tell our parents.

After the pageant and the congregation singing of a lot of Christmas carols, Santa Claus came and everyone from the oldest to the youngest received a present. It was great fun. As we walked home everyone was laughing and talking. Children were told to hurry to bed because Santa would not come to their houses until they were fast asleep.

Christmas was hard for mother and dad because dad was sick most every winter, a combination of asthma and allergies to cotton dust. Money was tight and the Second World War was still raged. There was no metal for toys, but Christmas mornings were exciting. The boxes we put out for santa were filled with fruit and nuts and one or two toys. We were soon outside playing with the other kids. Some years there was a smattering of snow.

By early afternoon the entire family, except for those away in service, were gathered at grandmother Carnell’s for Christmas dinner. It was a grand feast. Everybody brought something. Aunt Alice always made homemade rolls and ambrosia. Mother brought a fruitcake which she had soaked in grape juice for weeks. Dan Stone, a friend of my grandmothers, came early and made real egg nog. I never understood this, but it was a tradition. Tee totaling Baptists could drink spiked egg nog once a year at Christmas.

Of course grandmother was the focus of attention. My grandfather Carnell died years before I was born. There was usually some kind of drama with Uncle Wells, dad’s brother. One Christmas I was fascinated that he had driven a rental car from Gastonia, North Carolina. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a rental car.

Everyone gathered in the living room for the handing out of gifts: chocolate covered cherries, candies of all sorts, jewelry, cheap perfume, pen and pencil sets, toy cars and books. One year I got a book about the Lone Ranger with print too small fo r me to read. Another year it was a cardboard horse racing set. These were grand events. We were a very close family.

Our family left the gathering early enough for us to go to my other grandparents who lived in the country about five miles away. The same exchanges would take place but on a much smaller scale because there was less family. Mama and Pop Gossett, mother’s parents, had very little money, but the food was always wonderful. I loved their big two story house with its log burning fireplace in the combination living dining room. There was a huge ice box on the side porch. Uncle Jim, mother’s brother, and his family were usually there. Uncle Jim and Aunt Norma had four children. They were a fun loving group.

One of the best parts of the season happened before Christmas when the mill gave generous baskets of fruit and nuts to each employee. Since both mother and dad worked in the mill, they each received a basket. It was a wonderful gift. Looking back I am sure that is the only Christmas extras that some families had but I was not aware of the more human conditions at that time. Life in our small town was good. Our family was happy and together. It was a wonderful time and place to grow up. Our lives revolved around family, church and school.

President Roosevelt died while at Warm Springs in Georgia on April 12, 1945. The reaction to his death was so strong that one would have thought that he was a member of our family. The war also ended that year. Uncle Jack and other family members came home. Dad left the mill for a job in town. In 1946 mom and dad bought a house about a mile away and we moved away from the mill village. I changed elementary schools and my sister, Jean, was in high school. Nothing would ever be the same.

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