Mitch Carnell

Effective Communication Made Simple

Take No Bitterness into the New Year

Dec 31

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Many people regard New Year’s Resolutions with the same disdain they attribute to the much maligned fruitcake. I am a proponent of both. For several years now I have made the same New Year’s resolution and I do my best to keep it. I will take no bitterness into the New Year. Whatever has happened during the past twelve months that tends to sour my disposition, cause me pain and create separation, I resolve to let go. Whatever offenses I have suffered will not be dragged into the New Year. As the years pile up, keeping my resolution doesn’t get any easier.

Forgiveness is not as easy as it might sound. Partly it requires developing a thicker skin and realizing that I take far too many things personally. I need to lighten up. This is one of the concepts my friend, Dr. Monty Knight, discusses in his book, Balanced Living; Don’t Let Your Strengths Become Your Weaknesses. Continuing with Monty’s philosophy, I don’t have to go to every fight to which I am invited. That is a major concept. Let it go. Tom Newboult, a minister of religious education, once told me that sin is giving more importance to the moment than it is worth. In other words, don’t dwell in the negative. I think Tom hit the nail on the head. What a great concept!

Turning a negative into a positive is another methodology for dealing with difficult situations. Since I administered a not-for-profit agency for most of my career, I am often attacked with, “Well, Mitch, you are just an idealist.” My reply is, “Thank you. I hope so.” The main thing about forgiveness for those of us who are Christian to remember is that we are able to forgive because we have been forgiven.

Susan Sparks in her book, Laugh Your Way to Grace, suggests that we rediscover the power of humor. She maintains that we take ourselves far too seriously. We need to repackage some of the comments that cause us pain.

Bitterness is a terrible task master. It will ruin your life and suck all the goodness you receive into a dark hole. I recommend a proactive approach. Go on an active campaign to make those around you glad that you are there. Build them up by helping them feel good about themselves. Say something nice. Compliment her or him in a real genuine way. Call the person by name. Offer a specific compliment about a real accomplishment. On the other hand when you receive a compliment acknowledge it graciously with a simple “thank you.” In my book, Christian Civility in an Uncivil World, I discuss the power of words, but I am by no means the first to come to that conclusion. The psalmist said, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto thee, oh God, my strength and my redeemer.”

The late Dr. Arthur Caliandro gets right to the heart of the matter with a three word solution. “Life is now.” That statement is stunning in its simplicity. Live in the present. Don’t drag past hurts into today. I was part of a vivid demonstration of this principle. We were planning one of the annual John Hamrick Lectures while Dr. John was still living. A potential speaker was being considered. I called the speaker to extend an invitation. He told me that because he and Dr. Hamrick had been involved on opposite sides of a controversy, he would only come if Dr. Hamrick approved. When I told Dr. Hamrick of my conversation he didn’t hesitate. “That was then. This is now.” Wow!

I make no claim that getting rid of bitterness is an easy task. You and I have experienced great hurts. Unfortunately we have also inflicted great hurts. I know that I am in the process of becoming and that God is not finished with me. Practicing my resolution of taking no bitterness into the New Year has helped me live a more productive, less stressful life. I believe you will experience the same happy results if you give it a try. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

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Christmas on the Mill Village

Dec 23

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When mother and dad still worked at Abney Cotton Mill and we lived on Woodruff Street, Christmas was very special.

Every year my sister and I were in the Christmas pageant at Northside Baptist Church just a few doors away from our house. There was always a huge Christmas tree in the sanctuary. I was always a shepherd or wise man which required wearing my bathrobe.  One year while waiting to go to the church, I got too close to our heater and burned a hole in my shepherd’s bathrobe. It didn’t matter to anyone but my sister who was in charge of me. I knew that she wouldn’t tell our parents.

After the pageant and the congregation singing of a lot of Christmas carols, Santa Claus came and everyone from the oldest to the youngest received a present. It was great fun. As we walked home everyone was laughing and talking. Children were told to hurry to bed because Santa would not come to their houses until they were fast asleep.

Christmas was hard for mother and dad because dad was sick most every winter, a combination of asthma and allergies to cotton dust. Money was tight and the Second World War was still raged. There was no metal for toys, but Christmas mornings were exciting. The boxes we put out for santa were filled with fruit and nuts and one or two toys. We were soon outside playing with the other kids. Some years there was a smattering of snow.

By early afternoon the entire family, except for those away in service, were gathered at grandmother Carnell’s for Christmas dinner. It was a grand feast. Everybody brought something. Aunt Alice always made homemade rolls and ambrosia. Mother brought a fruitcake which she had soaked in grape juice for weeks. Dan Stone, a friend of my grandmothers, came early and made real egg nog. I never understood this, but it was a tradition. Tee totaling Baptists could drink spiked egg nog once a year at Christmas.

Of course grandmother was the focus of attention. My grandfather Carnell died years before I was born. There was usually some kind of drama with Uncle Wells, dad’s brother. One Christmas I was fascinated that he had driven a rental car from Gastonia, North Carolina. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a rental car.

Everyone gathered in the living room for the handing out of gifts: chocolate covered cherries, candies of all sorts, jewelry, cheap perfume, pen and pencil sets, toy cars and books. One year I got a book about the Lone Ranger with print too small fo r me to read. Another year it was a cardboard horse racing set. These were grand events. We were a very close family.

Our family left the gathering early enough for us to go to my other grandparents who lived in the country about five miles away. The same exchanges would take place but on a much smaller scale because there was less family. Mama and Pop Gossett, mother’s parents, had very little money, but the food was always wonderful. I loved their big two story house with its log burning fireplace in the combination living dining room. There was a huge ice box on the side porch. Uncle Jim, mother’s brother, and his family were usually there. Uncle Jim and Aunt Norma had four children. They were a fun loving group.

One of the best parts of the season happened before Christmas when the mill gave generous baskets of fruit and nuts to each employee. Since both mother and dad worked in the mill, they each received a basket. It was a wonderful gift. Looking back I am sure that is the only Christmas extras that some families had but I was not aware of the more human conditions at that time. Life in our small town was good. Our family was happy and together. It was a wonderful time and place to grow up. Our lives revolved around family, church and school.

President Roosevelt died while at Warm Springs in Georgia on April 12, 1945. The reaction to his death was so strong that one would have thought that he was a member of our family. The war also ended that year. Uncle Jack and other family members came home. Dad left the mill for a job in town. In 1946 mom and dad bought a house about a mile away and we moved away from the mill village. I changed elementary schools and my sister, Jean, was in high school. Nothing would ever be the same.

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Some Unspoken Words Need to be Said by Michael Norton

Dec 16

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Posted 

One of the more difficult things about the holiday season is something that impacts so many people is grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us. And for those of us who have lost someone where a particular holiday meant so much to our family, it doesn’t matter if it was many years ago or just recently, the pain may ease, but it never truly goes away. And you know what? That’s a good thing as it stirs beautiful and loving memories that we want to hold onto forever.

This came up during a few conversations and email exchanges that I had over the Thanksgiving holiday and weekend. And during two of those conversations those that I was speaking with shared that their biggest regret was not having the chance to clear the air about a misunderstanding or grievance, or more importantly, their pain was coming from the fact that during their last visit together, whether in person or by phone, they missed the opportunity to tell them that they loved them. And for both individuals, it was weighing heavy upon their hearts.

Are some things better left unsaid? I believe so. We all have heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” It’s absolutely true, if what we are about to say is coming from a place of anger or if we are simply trying to stir up trouble. It’s different if there are things we need to say, especially if it’s something others need to hear, even though they may not want to hear it. The problem is this, if we miss an opportunity to share information that could help someone, but we lack the courage to confront them, they may not be able to address or fix what they do not know.

I love this quote by Audre Lorde, “When we speak, we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So, it is better to speak.” Some words are better left unspoken, until they are not.

Each one of us can probably think of a time when we forgot to say something or wish we had said something. Good or bad, right or wrong, we then get mad at ourselves for not having had the courage to speak up, or we promise ourselves we will speak up next time. Hoping that there will indeed be a next time.

As we are right here in the middle of the holiday season, and as some of us are experiencing grief and the loss of a loved one who will not be celebrating with the family this year, may we lovingly remember them. And if we think we forgot to say “I love you” one last time, or that we were sorry, or anything else where we might have regrets, I encourage us not to focus on that one last time where we may have missed it, instead focus on all the times it was said and heard.

May we use this as a reminder for all those that are still with us and who we love so very much. May another day pass by where we forget or lack the courage to share with others just how grateful we are for having them in our lives, how much we love them, how much we appreciate all they do, and that they have been forgiven for any foolishness that may have come between us.

How about you, are there people you will miss this holiday season? Can you remember all the times that you did share with them just how special they were to you and how much you cared for them and loved them? Is there someone that needs to hear and know that you do care for them and love them, and maybe even forgive them? I would love to hear your story at gotonorton@gmail.com, and when we can say the words that need to be spoken, it really will be a better than good life.

*Michael Norton is an author, a personal and professional coach, consultant, trainer, encourager and motivator of individuals and businesses, working with organizations and associations across multiple industries.

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Religion: Guard My Speech by Rabbi Debbie Israel*

Dec 9

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December 8, 2022
How powerful words are! Rabbi Seymour J Cohen wrote: “Words can inspire, destroy, console us, entice us. Throughout history words promoted hatred, murder, even wars! How many politicians permanently had their careers ended by false rumors and innuendos!”

Each of us have experienced the power of words. The internet has made spreading rumors and gossip so easy—all we have to do is press “copy” or “forward” or “share” on our computers.  Disagreements quickly become angry exchanges; people speak rudely to and about one another; and civil discourse is the new code word for “dial it down.”

Rabbi Debbie Israel

Careful speech is an important Jewish ethical discipline. Our scholars have taught us that words have great power, teaching the importance of being vigilant in our usage of speech and to avoid others’ unethical speech, called in Hebrew “lashon harah,” the evil tongue.

Remember those childhood lessons we learned about words: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all; think before you speak. What about this one: sticks and stones will break our bones but words will never harm us. We know that’s not true. Bones mend but hurtful words stay for a long time, sometimes forever.

Even innocent comments can cause harm to another person. We must especially exercise great care to avoid embarrassing someone.

Harmful words are often used intentionally. Talk show hosts and callers and politicians verbally attack anyone who has a different point of view. Store shoppers take out their frustrations on innocent clerks. Each of us has probably let slip a tirade from time to time.

While it’s easy to look at the behavior of others, it’s so much harder to judge ourselves. Almost always, we feel our responses are justified. We don’t think of it as gossiping; it’s just talking, keeping up, sharing information. When we belittle others, we rationalize that they deserve it. We tattle about others, we spread rumors, we rob others of their good name.

Why do we do it? Often we justify that it’s just conversation. We’re just being social. Maybe gossiping proves how much we know or that we have inside sources. Maybe we do it to be liked, sharing insider scoops. Gossiping and criticizing others is how we feel more powerful—putting others down to build up our own self esteem.

Well, if we can’t gossip what can we say to one another? Rabbi Jack Riemer has some suggestions. How about saying things that will get us more personally in touch with other people: How are you? What do you need? What can I do to help? What’s happening in your life? You did a great job. That looked difficult but you did it. Thank you. I appreciate what you did. You are special. And of course, I love you.

It is helpful to include this prayer in our daily practice, a prayer that Jews recite at every service: “Keep my speech from evil and my lips from deception.”

*Rabbi Debbie Israel is Rabbi Emerita of Congregation Emeth Jewish Community and the Executive Director of Interfaith Activities in South County. All faith communities of South County are welcome to participate in the Religion column of the Morgan Hill Times and Gilroy Dispatch.  To join the rotation of writers, clergy should contact rabbidebbieisrael@gmail.com. 

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