Posts Tagged reason

On Speaking and Keeping Silent – Goodfaithmedia

The conversation was flowing as usual at a dinner with friends when suddenly my friend grew very angry. I did not see this outburst coming.

He asked a question about the recent national election, which I responded to in a very polite manner. He accused me of a lack of sensitivity to his question and of having a preformed answer that included my biases.

Such is the nature of the public square today. The slightest misstep leads to a tirade of language that lacks any relationship to civility. If your response is not what the person expects to hear, then the attack is on.

I apologized for any misunderstanding; however, we spent the remainder of the evening in a very uneasy silence.

Our friendship stretches for more than 30 years and, yes, I am aware of most of his convictions. Until this point, we have been able to have meaningful rational discussions on a wide variety of issues.

Somehow the current climate has put an end to rational discussions. Either you agree or you disagree. If you disagree, then you are now an enemy.

Where did civility go?

An American Airlines flight from Miami to London loaded with passengers was forced to return to Miami after traveling more than 500 miles because a passenger became combative over wearing a mask. She clearly knew the rules before boarding the plane.

Rioters stormed our nation’s capital and shredded 200 years of history of peaceably passing power from one administration to another. They were responding to a lie that had been repeated over and over again.

Where has reason gone?

Many of us feel helpless to do anything, but there is something that we can all do, if we are willing to make the effort.

A song that became popular in the late 1950s and ’60s carries the answer, “Let there Be Peace on Earth and Let It Begin with Me.” The song was first introduced to youth groups and then its popularity spread around the world.

Peacemaking isn’t passivity, and it doesn’t mean that we keep silent in the face of injustice, oppression and falsehood. Jesus made it clear that the peaceable kingdom he envisioned would not come easily or without unrest (Matthew 10), and the prophet Jeremiah condemned those who proclaimed peace when there was no peace (6:14).

So, there are times to speak out and times to keep silent, as the writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us (3:7). Knowing the difference isn’t easy, and each of us must make that decision on a case-by-case basis.

Upon further reflection, I concluded that I should not have answered my friend’s question. I should have remained silent. AA puts it even more directly, “You don’t have to go to every fight to which you are invited.”

Learning to let it go is very hard. I had a choice, and I made the wrong one. I should have just listened.

Perhaps if I had listened longer or more intently, I would have heard his frustration. I would have learned that he was making a statement not asking a question. Perhaps he just wanted someone to listen.

Listening is the hardest communication skill to learn. In 1995, I published Twelve Keys to Improved Communication. The first of those keys is still the most important, “Stop talking.”

We never learn anything when we are talking. Just because we have stopped talking doesn’t mean that we are listening. So many of us use times of silence to craft our response. That is not listening.

I also developed a pledge to accompany those keys:

“I will listen to you without interruption for at least two minutes. I will look at you while you are talking and not engage in any other activity. When I do respond to you, I will respond appropriately to what you said. I will not pin a label on you or call you names. I will not raise my voice or use profanity. I will keep my remarks centered in the present and not dredge up the past. I will treat you with the same respect that I demand for myself.”

Most of us find it hard to listen for two minutes without being distracted. We’re not alone, as people have found it hard to listen for centuries.

Most of us have hot buttons that, when pushed, cause us to stop listening and get ready to fight. With work, we can learn to recognize our hot buttons and strive to overcome them.

The one thing we can all do is to make sure that we do not contribute to the dysfunction.

The song writers, Jill Jackson-Miller and Sly Miller, point the way: “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”

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Approaching Civility in a World Awash in Self – Thomas Crowl*

PSALMS: 138:6…Though the Lord be high, yet He hath respect unto the lowly: but the proud He knows afar off…

Thonas CrowlI observe another American political season filled with vile, hate-filled language attacking the very basis of our democracy. I think on a simpler time when a bright mind called P.M. Forni would pen “The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct”. I look forward to a few months ago when a Charleston Churchman would call for a “Say Something Nice Day” as a reprise to anger and hatred. I look at the 25 rules and see many that look to the denial of self and the observation of the souls around us. It is a blessed similarity.

My dear wife is always the first to remind me that we should always look to the best reason for a particular act rather than descending to the depths of doubt and anger. Our news media calls out to a different spirit and looks to the phrase “if it bleeds it leads” as a sensationalist press seeking to grab the attention span of a media world.

I challenged my spirit today to review so many examples around me of civility. Just the other day a noted country singer would speak the words “always be humble and proud” finding strength in the meek spirit that found genuine pride in humility. I see our Savior on the cross saying “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” pushing back from the well of anger and self-pity that surrounded him. Often civility expresses itself best when we just listen calmly and do not react. In this respectful…inclusive…welcoming way we invite our Savior to be our guide.

Civility is the oil that calms the roughest wave…is the honey in the ears of the tormented spirit and always seeks to “walk in the other man’s shoes” as Franklin Roosevelt once said seeking empathy in a world embroiled in tragedy. Civility is generous looking for the best and offering frequent praise, positive advice and reinforcement to advance our brethren.

The civil world looks to the best that grows within us, respects our positive efforts to improve and gives kindness to the lowly animals and our blessed environment that all may grow in peace. It is an eternal value that is known to God and is so needed in our world where discrimination, separation, isolation and greed call out to us from every corner.

HEAVENLY FATHER…grant to me this day the civil tongue…the welcoming hand and the loving spirit that will heal a divided nation and world gone mad with self. Never let us forget the wondrous example you sent to us in your divine Son those two thousand years ago.

KING DAVID KNEW THE POWER OF GOD FIRST HAND AND YET CHOSE TO PRAISE HIS SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE LOWLY…IT WAS SACRED ADVICE THEN AND IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT TODAY.

*Thomas Crowl is a retired judge who works in Florida as a volunteer having been born again in His service.

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A Call for Civility and Reason

The lack of civility in our society has reached an alarming level. National political leaders refuse to condemn the over the top language and the call for violence. Words are powerful and they have consequences often far greater than the speaker may have intended. Much of the intemperate language is from frustration, some is economic angst, some is strictly political and an alarming amount is racial.

It is a deeply religious issue. All of the world’s great religions call for its adherents to love each other, respect their neighbors and offer hospitality to the stranger. Many of the offenders will be in worship services this week and they will see no relationship between their religious doctrine and their abrasive language on the street. In our Judeo-Christian traditions the connection is undeniable. The psalmist said, “Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding, whose mouth must be held with bit and bridle.” Proverbs add, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” There is the great admonition from Colossians, “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”

As we approach Say Something Nice Day on the first day of June and Say Something Nice Sunday on the first Sunday in June, we have an urgent calling to set an example of civil discourse and do whatever we can to urge others to join us. It is important to refrain from saying anything disrespectful of others. It is equally important to boost people, to say something nice. Most of all it is important to restore a sense of fairness. This is one of those times in history when one person can make a difference. Refuse to become a part of the hostility.

Our words are reflective of the condition of our hearts. There are times when we are all angry or frustrated. These emotions do not give us a free pass to let our words run wild. These are the times to demonstrate who we really are and what we believe. There is never a time for rudeness. Disrespect for an individual is never acceptable. Every human being is a creation of the most high God. I am not required to like you, agree with your ideas, approve of your behavior, or condone what you do. What I am responsible for is how I respond to you. I am in charge of my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. It is often convenient to blame someone else for what I say or do, but that is simply not true. I am responsible for me. If I want the atmosphere of hate and disrespect to change, I must accept my responsibility to be a change agent.

It does no good to assign blame for where we are today in our relationships with those with whom we disagree.  Assigning blame does nothing to solve the problem and often leads to more conflict. What we did or did not do yesterday no longer matters. We can continue to behave in the same destructive manner or we can choose to change and make the situation better.

We should recognize that we will not always agree with one another. It would be unrealistic and counterproductive if we did. There is nothing wrong with debate that is conducted in a respectful manner. In fact good debate helps us clarify issues; however, all is lost when I attack you personally rather than your arguments. All is lost when I allow my emotions to overwhelm my reasoning. The wisdom from the nutritionists is that we are what we eat. The wisdom from Holy Scripture is we are what we speak.

 

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Fifty-Two Keys for Living, Loving and Working

Be considerate

Think of the feelings, fears, anxieties and joys of others. Don’t be a bull in a china shop. Lighten the burden of those around you. Be a calming presence. Make others feel happy that you are there. Be a voice of calm and reason.

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