Mitch Carnell

Effective Communication Made Simple

Posts Tagged respect

“Listening Is Hard Work : www.day1.org

Sep 21

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Authors, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

Wednesday September 21, 2022

Day1
Organization: Alliance for Christian Media
Denomination: n/a

“To be heard is to be healed,” according to the Rev. Susan Sparks. A great many of our problems and national wounds could be healed, if we would listen to one another.

No one wins nor do we make progress when we shout at each other or turn a deaf ear to a proposal without considering its possible merits. This is no easy solution. Listening is hard work even under the best of circumstances. One must make a conscious effort to actively listen and not interrupt.

Interrupting is an act of war. It shouts that what I have to say is more important than what you have to say. We may feel that way, but if progress is to be made we must be willing to listen. That does not giving the other person permission to run on forever. We are talking about give and take in a civil conversation. Bishop Sally Dyck of the United Methodist Church has suggested Holy Conferencing. The idea is that the person holding a plastic dove has permission to talk without interruption. The dove is then passed to someone on the opposite side of the issue.

Calling each other names or pinning labels on each other will make the situation worse. A sure way to block real communication is to tell me that the problem is my fault. That may be true, but it will not move the conservation forward. Instead try, “Here is a way that could help us solve our impasse.”

If I treat you with respect and you treat me with respect, we are well on our way to creating an environment in which it is possible to make progress. I am not suggesting that it is necessary for any of us to give up our convictions or principles. I am suggesting that we sincerely take the time to listen to each other.

There are so many issues on which we disagree, but there are so many more issues on which we agree or have some levels of agreement. Start with the basics. I love this country and I know that you do as well. I am in favor of national health insurance for all of our citizens. Help me understand why you are not. I favor finding a way to citizenship for the so called Dreamers. Tell me why you are not. At this point you are tempted to call me a liberal, but that would not move us forward nor would it solve our problem.

Perhaps I should rephrase my statement. How could we improve accessibility to health care for all Americans? Are there some steps we could take that would lead to citizenship for the so-called Dreamers?

I have dinner every week with a group that I have been eating with for at least 35 years. We celebrate birthdays and holidays. We have attended weddings and funerals in each other’s family. All of the others in the group are members of a different political party from me and yet we have found a way to maintain our friendships. It has not always been easy, but we are dedicated to one another.

Honest conversation is rare because it is so difficult. It requires effort and a willingness to engage. It is far easier to ignore you, discount you or call you names. That requires no thought at all, but I am the loser. Our country, our civic organization or our church is the loser. As usual the Scriptures say it best: “Come now, let us reason together.” (Isaiah 1:18 NIV)

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Mitch Carnell is a member of First Baptist Church of Charleston, SC. He is the founder of Say Something Nice Day and Say Something Nice Sunday on the first Sunday in June. He blogs at www.mitchcarnell.com.

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Show Respect for Those Who Disagree

Jun 3

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Wednesday May 25, 2022 Day1
Organization: Alliance for Christian Media
Denomination: n/a

By Mitch Carnell

Just when the harsh rhetoric had seemed to abate a little, the leak at the Supreme Court shattered our dreams of a more civil political debate season. Now the atmosphere is more toxic than ever. Where are the voices of reason?

The leak is reason enough to stimulate harsh debate, but then there is the all-important issue of overturning Roe v.Wade. The anti-abortion faction is empowered. The Freedom of Choice faction is incensed.

The Sixteenth Say Something Nice Sunday is fast approaching on June 5. It is a day set aside to temper our language and to be more respectful of others. In a long ago time, worshipers could expect a more reasoned tone from the pulpit. Not any longer. Today the church is often the source of heated take-no-prisoners venom.

Sixteen years ago, First Baptist Church of Charleston, South Carolina recognized the urgency for a more Christ-like dialogue. Such a conviction is rooted in the church history as stated in the Church Covenant adopted on August 21, 1791. “We will be careful to conduct ourselves with uprightness and integrity, and in a peaceful and friendly manner, toward mankind in general, and toward Christians of all descriptions, in particular.

Say Something Nice Sunday is rooted in the words of scripture, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” There are great differences of opinion among Christians of all denominations. That fact alone should drive us to seek a more reasoned, respectful debate. Many denominations are already in turmoil. We must not allow this controversies to drive us further apart.

For at least one day can we put the vicious rhetoric aside and acknowledge that each person deserves to be respected? This week I attended the Charleston Book and Author Luncheon. Five New York Times bestselling authors spoke for about fifteen minutes each. What was most noticeable was there was not one political remark in either of their speeches. In a week when the leak at the Supreme Court dominated the headlines not one speaker referenced it. What a refreshing occurrence. This secular event proves that it can be done.

The movement is endorsed by the Charleston County Baptist Association, The Charleston/Atlantic Presbytery, the Catholic Diocese of Charleston (all of SC), many Disciples of Christ, Lutheran, and Methodist churches. All religious organizations are encouraged to participate. If this date does not fit, choose a different one.

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Free materials are available at www.fbcharleston.org. Click on Media at the top of the page and then “All Resources.” Scroll down to Say Something Nice Sunday.

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Smile – Speak – Respect

Sep 10

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Authors, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice, Uncategorized | Comments off

According to the CDC I am no longer a senior citizen. I am an elder. Likewise I am no longer a father I am a parent. The CDC should know that I am proud of being Suzanne’s and Michael’s father. The CDC is correct in emphasizing how we talk to and about each other. A critical article about this report was reprinted from WashingtonExaminer.com by The Week Magazine in its September 10/September17, 2021 issue. The article by Tiana Lowe is wrong headed.

In his sermon at the French Huguenot Church in Charleston on September 5, 2021, The Rev. Phil Bryant emphasized the power of words. “Words can hurt. Words can heal. Words can challenge. Words can direct what we do. In all the ways we interact with one another, our words are the most powerful. Words can kill.”

In support of the last statement, Bryant quotes Chaplain David Sparks at Dover Air Force Base, who has comforted so many families over the past 20 years, because a family member has sacrificed her or his life after the 9/11 attack. “I am aware — this is very spiritual — I am aware that there are — there have been multiple times when I did not have the preparation for a particular moment when words came up out of me that were not my own. And I said them. And once in a while, it was — for the first time — I heard it the first time when it came around in my own ear. And where in the world did that come from? And those are very holy moments for me.”

Every report states that our culture has become meaner, Part of the blame for this regression is rooted in how we talk to and about each other. Because I disagree with you does not mean that I hate you or think that you are a lesser person. It simply means that you and I see an issue differently. I love my sister and she would walk through hot coals barefoot for me, but we have different ideas about politics, church music and biscuits.  We grew up together with the same parents, but we look at the world differently.

I do not know why we have grown meaner as a culture; however, I do know how to lessen the impact of the meanness. Smile at the people you meet. Say something nice to each person. Treat each person you meet with respect. That’s it. Try it for yourself.

  1. Smile at each person you meet.
  2. Say something nice to each person you meet.
  3. Show respect for each person you meet.

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Simple Rules for Better Communication – www.day1.org

Jun 1

Posted by Mitch in Articles, Authors, Christian Civility, Say Something Nice | Comments off

 Tuesday June 01, 2021

Day1
Organization: Alliance for Christian Media
Denomination: n/a

As we begin to gather again and assemble in larger groups, “Say Something Nice Sunday” comes in time to remind us of some simple rules of engagement. We will be so happy to see each other again. The fifth-tenth annual event takes place on June 6th.

Stop talking. Give others a chance. This is difficult because there is so much we want to share. We have been separated for so long. Smile thus breaking the ice. Smiling is a universal language. Speak to people. You may need to introduce yourself. In many cases we will still be wearing our masks. Don’t assume the other person knows who you are. I learned this valuable lesson from the president of the board of the agency I headed. He always introduced himself. He did not assume that others would recognize him or remember his name.

Listen attentively. Because we are not talking does not mean that we are listening. Active listening demands personal discipline. Don’t spend your time thinking about what you will say next. Larry King, the television personality, was such a good interviewer because he listened to what his guest said and then responded to what had been said. Jesus said, “Whoever has ears, let them hear.” Matthew 11:15 (NIV)

Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is an act of aggression. It says that what I have to say is more important than what you have to say.

Delay judgment. Jumping to conclusions always poses the danger of arriving at the wrong conclusion. Crow never taste good.

Sincerely compliment others. Find something nice to say. Stay away from talking about physical attributes.

Consider the opinions of others. They might have something new or unique to contribute.

Be sensitive to the feelings of others. They may not take what you say the way that you intended. Remember Murphy’s Law. If it is possible for someone to misunderstand, she or he will.

Be approachable. Be aware of your body language. Uncross everything. Face the other person. Maintain eye contact.

Speak the truth, but speak the truth with love. It is not necessary to share everything you know. Don’t gossip. Dr. Arthur Caliandro, the late pastor of Marble Collegiate Church, said, “Be kinder than you think it necessary to be. The other person needs it more than you know.”

Stop talking. We return to the first key because it is so important. I learned a new acronym that applies to this key point from Rev. Susan Sparks – WAIT. Why am I talking? We never learn anything while we are talking.

There is so much in Scripture that helps us in our communication with others. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” St. Paul added, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 (NIV) In other words don’t stir up controversy.

We as Christians have a great message to share. Effective communication depends on our attitude toward others. If we show respect for others even though we may have great differences our efforts will most often be rewarded with good results. We want others to be happy to see us and not to moan when they see us coming. Our reputation so often precedes us. We want that reputation to be one that generates positive expectations.

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Mitch Carnell is a member of First Baptist Church of Charleston, SC. He is the author of, Our Father: Discovering Family. He blogs at www.mitchcarnell.com.

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